I have a whole big theory about being an only child: it sucks.
Sure there are only children who are happy, well-adjusted people. But the odds are stacked against us. There are too many lost opportunities to learn and adapt to the real world. And even within the most well-adjusted only child, there are life experiences that they will never be exposed to.
I believe that I lack the ability to fully embrace relationships with people because of these lost experiences:
- Unconditional Friendship
- Constant Confidant
- Shared Responsibility
There is no “friend” who can fully replace the kind of relationship siblings have, no matter how “best” they are. And not having this relationship with someone is not the worse of it. Because I have never experienced this relationship, I don’t feel secure in any of my relationships. I do not have the confidence to fully be myself (Unconditional Friendship), to share (Constant Confidant), to ask for help (Shared Responsibility). It makes me feel very much alone, even if the people around me do want to offer me these things. There is no way for me to recognize it, use it, embrace it. I’ve never seen it, so I don’t really believe in it.
I looked up the corporate ladder and decided to get to the top another way. This is my journey there. Contact me: lynn [at] killeraces [dot] com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Lynn,
I’m amazed by your personal blog here, everything you write about speaks to me so much. I’m sorry you feel this way, I do feel it too.
I am an only child too (technically, my parents divorced when I was young so even with a half brother and a few great step sisters, I never got to live with a sibling my entire life and have never been close to any due to huge age gaps) and these:
- Unconditional Friendship
- Constant Confidant
- Shared Responsibility
Are things I’ve never had and even in married life can’t seem to do. What did I do to cope? Even though I knew it would be a struggle, I had another baby in February, a little sister for my big girl. Now they can have what I missed out on and I can spend my life enjoying them.
Hi Lynn,
The three things you identified as being the most important differences between an only child and others really rang a bell with me.
I’m one year into my 3rd committed relationship – we’re not married yet but probably will be one day. And I’ve been trying to analyze my reactions to certain situations – my emotions – the fear or anger or anxiety that I develop.
You’re absolutely right. We have never had that unconditional acceptance/friendship/support from one of our peers that only a sibling can give. The “Constant Confidant” that we can call or who can call us with whatever. Yes – the Shared Responsibility – the blame or the praise.
I wish there were a way to drop the insecurity, loneliness, willingness to please (for fear of being alone?) that I have – that I alone seem to have and that seem out of place in a 68 year old multi-degreed business executive.
Thank you for your perceptive thoughts and your willingness to share.
Clark