Why Chinese Mothers Can’t Win

Came across a WSJ article on Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior. The writer is intense. I know I would not want to be her children, nor her husband for that matter.

While my mother was not nearly as brutal, this article did take me back to my childhood. The writer’s antics sound extreme, and she’s quite happy with herself because she feels they “work.” Her success as a mother is revealed in her children’s ability to play a tough piano piece. In this, she is like the vast majority of Chinese parents. The success of her children (and thus her success as a mother) is based on meeting goals she has decided are important: grades, music, and obedience. When they get into a prestigious school and pursue prestigious careers, she will know that it was her tenacity as a mother that brought them there. And she’d be right.

But will her daughters be happy? When do her daughters get to decide for themselves who they are and what they want to do with their lives?

One commenter stated:

This is the reason why I do not see a Chinese doctor or dentist even though I am a Chinese. I know the reason why they become doctors or dentists is not because they love it or they want to excel in this field. They become dentists or doctors because their parents forced them to do so.

The great culture clash between the two generations exists because of America’s ever increasing value placed on the individual’s freedom. Kids who grew up in the U.S. have a sense of themselves as completely unique beings who can pick and choose the virtues and vices of their personalities. I don’t think it’s just the Chinese kids who fight against parents who have their own criteria for their children’s success, but it’s the Chinese parents who stubbornly enforce it. And in the end, they get kids who are smart (academically), talented (on the piano), and prosperous (working a tough job and makes very good money). Whatever damage to their psyche they’ve inflicted is of no consequence, because, according to their parents, they’ve acquired the necessary skills to survive and thrive in life.

I admit that there’s something to that strategy. Then again, it sure didn’t work on me.

I don’t remember this, but my mom claims that I wanted to learn the piano, that it was I who approached my parents to learn. In any case, I wasn’t very good at it. I’m a left-brain person. I learned the mechanics — where the notes where and what they meant — but I never felt the music. Not to mention, I was simply tone-death.

I remember that there was one song I really liked to play: Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. One day, after I had just finished playing it, my mom came out of the kitchen, walked straight to me, to tell me that I play “really ugly.”

She wasn’t being cruel. She really did want me to play well. Instead, I played like a robot, and she was disappointed.

It didn’t make me want to prove her wrong. It just made me resolve to never play in front of her again.

There were other instances I can remember when she behaved like a typical Chinese mother:

• Whenever I did something wrong, my parents would call me “useless.”
• My mom once threatened to disown me if I went out with a boy (it was a particular instance where I told her a boy had volunteered to drive me to the library everyday after school).
• My parents tried to force me to speak Chinese at home, instead of English. (It didn’t work.)
• When I gained weight (about 10 pounds over a year), my mom said I was fat, and asked me if I exercise. I did get back into shape and lost that 10 pounds, but I’m not sure if it was because of what my mom said, or if I was already ready to do it. It was definitely not the case that I hadn’t noticed the weight myself and she was the only one who straightforwardly brought it to my attention.

To be fair, my mom gave me a lot of freedoms in other areas. While she never let me spent the night at my best friend’s place (because she had a step-father), I hosted plenty of sleepovers. I went to all the dances in high school. She let me have boyfriends. She was happy that I landed a role in a school play.

I do think that we have gotten into an age of over-coddling and unreasonable helicopter-parenting that has created a generation of self-absorbed and entitled brats. This is due to parents who want to be friends with their kids, who won’t say No because they are afraid of being despised, and allow their rules to be bent because it’s simply easier that way. This is the other extreme, where appeasing kids and giving in to their every whim is judged as good parenting, because it’s important for them to “be happy.”

I have to believe there is a middle ground, where parents are able to teach virtue, but at the same time allow the child to be his own person. There has to be a way to protect them from themselves, but still make sure they are curious and adventurous. There’s got to be a way to pass down our wisdom but also allow them to discover their own.

Parents have to parent, there’s no doubt about it. They have to teach and discipline. They have to set boundaries and enforce rules. There is a lot to teach kids, just so they can navigate the world. But no matter how good their grades are, and how well they’ve mastered a piece of music, they need to learn that validation comes only from themselves. And that’s something Chinese mothers can’t force down their children’s throats.